Have you ever been to a great fiasco even if you prayed to Him every single day of your life?
Well, I believe, we all have.
It has been a month and five days now, but I feel no changes, I am all the same plain shit since that day. It was funny how fast things happened and how this damn life could turn things upside down and became totally different from what you have expected. Even how you much persevered, I tell you man, you would end up the same. How could I ever forget those words? “Sus, move on na Rom. You did your best naman!” “He has plans, maybe this one is not for you.” “Come on man! Stop over reacting. It just this simple and that blah blah blah..”
You would never ever fathom my deepest sentiments. No one ever did.
‘Coz you were not the one who always fail your own ‘self’ over and over again.
You were not there spending late and sometimes sleepless nights just to make sure that everything were not just good but the best for your people. You were not in that moment of nearly dying but chose to witness all the stares that could likely burn through your skin and yes, the murmurs that were as loud as the unbearable thoughts of disappointments. Right, you could say “Did we ask you to get in that situation?” Palpably, no but look at me, I am helpless, even how I much I want to escape,
I would not, I could not. I AM IN THIS EVEN IF I DID NOT WANT TO. I AM IN HERE, MISFIRED AND STUCK. I could still hark back to the time of dreaming success not because of being just confident but because I have witnessed every single sweat of efforts and struggles of my people just to chase and taste victory at the end, I thought those were enough. But we were caught, again, by debacles. Awful debacles.
Inexplicably, Life for me was a catastrophe. It always turned out different, odd and unfavorable.
My leadership was a flop.
Anytime now, I am very much willing to be swallowed by the sea where failed expectations were all silently buried and so am I. No words would suffice nor heal this mark not even those words from Above, for even myself is slowly detaching from the tight grip of what I used to hold on for strength.
You, to the Man above, all this time I have been rummaging for reasons in this world for every failures I tasted but have not found anything yet. How could I find my way back on track? I am so lost that made me forget You and worst, could not make myself believe anymore. I always thought of being the one who gave her all but did not succeed.
I had enough, I mean, more than enough.
I am deteriorating.