My Blog

Not a Man


They always do it whenever I bump into the same scenario over the years. Every time my friends get the chance of asking me the real meat of the bread for choosing this kind of, well, they say it as ‘the misfortune in disguise’, the gestures of unveiling my reasons won’t satisfy them. It is still perplexing and vague in their perspective why of all people it is me who choose to be in it.  I am most of the time reminded that there are a lot of good and firm looking ones- more suited for their expectations, I must say. My friends are too shallow to absorb the point behind this being-so-fond of settling for the opposite. I mean, why not?

They always tease me, nearly mock me for having an admiration to the “completely not a man but not totally a woman one”- Gay. You read it right. I end up admiring Gays. Brilliant minds who have great sense of humor and often, have a good taste for positivity and success!- I find these more fascinating than anything or anyone else!

Unknowingly, I have this inexplicable trend of admiring gays instead of guys. I still remember when I was younger, I used to think of the probability to love and be loved by someone who is willing to lose himself to be better for the one who makes his heart skip a bit. Yes, I drown myself to the notion of how gays being converted to real men because of love. But the change I meant does not need to be of their physical appearance but it’s the change of heart, the loyalty that they may offer and the much more happy life to live with them than with the real men. I love the way they make themselves naturally funny and loving including the time of sharing the same sentiments and how they build their oozing confidence, perseverance and creativity- all of those are, indeed, an amazing and bizarre combination of impressive imperfections. I believe, it is not a disease nor a disorder to be afraid or disgusted of. It seems to be a safer haven for me.

But why not choose real guys? Do I despise men?

Honestly, I don’t know. Perhaps, not all but most of them. Why? For I find them weak most of the time. Vulnerable inside to be true to themselves and to their emotions. They love hiding to appear strong, they do facades to make people believe of superiority and even how palpable the truth in life slaps them, they will choose to be blinded by their beliefs and must be’s. Men are like clouds too, they are uncertain. Sometimes, they will hold onto you like rain but often, they will just let you hit the ground as heavy as monsoon. It may sounds inevitable but it is called ‘choice’-their choice. It is always been a choice. Every time I witness those monsoons, I cannot afford to see tears from those who have fallen at the wrong ground because of the loosen grip. Those tears are too painful to wipe. Awfully, Men are the lethal adversities and misadventures to take, almost repeating the same scenarios but with different faces. Maybe, that is why I am afraid am not much into real men. I should not become the rain. Never


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