Distance wouldn’t mind,
My eyes chose to land on you,
Finest distraction of time…
Distance wouldn’t mind,
My eyes chose to land on you,
Finest distraction of time…
They always do it whenever I bump into the same scenario over the years. Every time my friends get the chance of asking me the real meat of the bread for choosing this kind of, well, they say it as ‘the misfortune in disguise’, the gestures of unveiling my reasons won’t satisfy them. It is still perplexing and vague in their perspective why of all people it is me who choose to be in it. I am most of the time reminded that there are a lot of good and firm looking ones- more suited for their expectations, I must say. My friends are too shallow to absorb the point behind this being-so-fond of settling for the opposite. I mean, why not?
They always tease me, nearly mock me for having an admiration to the “completely not a man but not totally a woman one”- Gay. You read it right. I end up admiring Gays. Brilliant minds who have great sense of humor and often, have a good taste for positivity and success!- I find these more fascinating than anything or anyone else!
Unknowingly, I have this inexplicable trend of admiring gays instead of guys. I still remember when I was younger, I used to think of the probability to love and be loved by someone who is willing to lose himself to be better for the one who makes his heart skip a bit. Yes, I drown myself to the notion of how gays being converted to real men because of love. But the change I meant does not need to be of their physical appearance but it’s the change of heart, the loyalty that they may offer and the much more happy life to live with them than with the real men. I love the way they make themselves naturally funny and loving including the time of sharing the same sentiments and how they build their oozing confidence, perseverance and creativity- all of those are, indeed, an amazing and bizarre combination of impressive imperfections. I believe, it is not a disease nor a disorder to be afraid or disgusted of. It seems to be a safer haven for me.
But why not choose real guys? Do I despise men?
Honestly, I don’t know. Perhaps, not all but most of them. Why? For I find them weak most of the time. Vulnerable inside to be true to themselves and to their emotions. They love hiding to appear strong, they do facades to make people believe of superiority and even how palpable the truth in life slaps them, they will choose to be blinded by their beliefs and must be’s. Men are like clouds too, they are uncertain. Sometimes, they will hold onto you like rain but often, they will just let you hit the ground as heavy as monsoon. It may sounds inevitable but it is called ‘choice’-their choice. It is always been a choice. Every time I witness those monsoons, I cannot afford to see tears from those who have fallen at the wrong ground because of the loosen grip. Those tears are too painful to wipe. Awfully, Men are the lethal adversities and misadventures to take, almost repeating the same scenarios but with different faces. Maybe, that is why I
am afraid am not much into real men. I should not become the rain. Never
I was blinded but perdured
For I seemed to love the way it was-
Dark, bizarre and snug enough.
Did you even notice the way I look at you?
Probably, I was lost again in dew.
Having myself near you was like forgetting myself at all,
I knew all this time, I couldn’t escape,
But the thought evaporates every time I notice you,
As I close my eyes, it seemed still looking at yours.
It came to a nightfall but you did not notice me at all.
I have been firmly holding to the dust of old memories with my bare hands, trying to collect everything that I could possibly save and yes, it seemed that I have not inculcate the unfathomable reasons for letting go. I still miss you even though you do not miss me. How unrequited I appear but what else I could get to feel better? I missed your encouraging words that struck directly to the soul. I missed the feeling of having something to look forward at the end of the day. How could I even forget the various sharings of stories? Hearing your tragic days including the laudable ones, it was nostalgic but it felt like home. It was not reciprocated but we had a lot of common denominators which made me long as I thought of our pigging-around times and the odd feeling of us trying to come up with a solution to our dilemmas, it was like we were both waiting for something tough to be over. You were my alter ego. I fought those rigorous days with you, even the broken days, I did rescue myself because of you. I just missed our quests and everything we used to be. I missed the one who taught me to love and to embrace criticisms. I missed my old friend. I missed you, bloke!
Ang alam ng karamihan hindi siya pangkaraniwan hindi dahil sa ubod siya ng ganda o kaya naman ay magaling siya sa iba’t-ibang larangan ngunit dahil nakasanayan na nilang ituring siyang buhay na bagay na nababalot ng yelo o kaya naman ay isang munting bato na hindi agarang natitibag. Ika nga nila, ubod ng tigas ang taong ito.
Nababalot ang lahat sa pag aakala na isang kibot at pagkakamali lamang ay sasabog ito sa galit at pagkamuhi na tiyak hindi ninuman magugustuhan. Para bagang siya yung pinakamalala at kahabag habag na nilalang sa mundo na hindi mo aasahang daratnan ng pagbabago. Iniisip ng lahat na ang taas taas niya na pati yaring ihi ay pumapantay kapag nagalit siya.
Ang hindi mawari wari ng mga taong mapanghusga na kaparehong tao ding ito ang nakaranas ng hindi mabilang na pagbabalewala. Maari ay pawang suntok sa buwan ang kinakailangan sapagkat napakadalang niyang makaramdam ng totoong kaligayahan, siya yung taong masaya ngayon bukas makawala ay nawawala nalang bigla. Nakakaya naman niyang ngumiti pero hindi ang tumawa, magkaiba iyon. Wala naman sa tamang posisyon upang bilangin ng kakaramput na mga utak ang mga naransang niyang pagkawala, hindi mawari ang mga pamamaraan kung paano niya sinikap na makabalik at buohin muli ang sarili kasabay ng pagharap at pagtanggap ng kinasidlakan. Oo, lugmok siya at nahihirapan pero hindi niya maamin sa mga tao sapagkat hindi niya na alam kung sino pa ang totoo. Hindi kalaunan ay unti unti ring nawalan ng mumunting kislap sa mga mata at sigla sa bawat pagtibok ng puso ang taong iyon. Para bagang sa bawat pagkawala ay kaakibat nito ang milyon milyong emosyon na dapat sana ay manatili pero hindi, hindi sa lahat ng nasabing sitwasyon. Napapagod na siya dahil sa paulit paulit na pagkabigo, masyado na kasing marami ang mga ‘akala’ na nahantong lang sa wala, kaya naman takot na rin siyang magtiwala.
Napakahilig din nyang gumawa ng likhang isip sa mga taong nakapaligid at sa wakas! nagtagumpay naman siya sa misyong papaniwalain ang lahat. Nagtagumpay siyang balutin ng lumot ang mga utak ng iba at kamuhian siya. Mas pinili niya ang maging matigas hanggang sa wakas.
Sa ilang taong pamamalagi, natuto niyang ituring ang mga bagay sa paraang nararapat; sa pananaw na hindi sila permanente. Ilang ulit niyang pinilit at pinaniwala ang sarili na walang permanente, na walang sinuman o kahit anuman ang mananatili upang piliin siya. Ngunit para bang dumoble o trumiple ang kirot sa puso sa bawat pagkakataong napapatunayan niyang hindi o wala nga.
Napagtanto niya na lubhang napakahirap na mamalagi sa mundong hindi mapagkakaila ang hubad na katotohanang; walang magtatagal, lahat nawawala.
Kaya ayon, yung taong sinasabi ko?
Pawang isang bulalakaw na nanggaling sa ibabaw at bumagsak sa mundong ito. Matigas nang dumating, Abo nang lisanin. Unti unti ng siyang nililipad ng hangin, kasama ng mapapait at masasayang alaala. Dama ang haplos ng lungkot at pag iisa
Kaya naman ay tinapos niya na.
Hindi na siya yung nakasanayan. Hindi na…
How deadly you look,
But it is not the right time to crook,
You always have this face,
But damn, it’s not for chase but a waste.
Is it that hard?
To bring out yourself from the dark?
I will love to lend you a hand,
But it’s for you to command.
Nothing will hurt you,
Unless you let them to,
Smile won’t cost that much,
Why won’t you give it a lush try?
Don’t wait for the time you will be stuck,
Get up and try some luck!
I will not intrude,
But I will love to extrude the finest façade I have ever met-
Have you ever been to a great fiasco even if you prayed to Him every single day of your life?
Well, I believe, we all have.
It has been a month and five days now, but I feel no changes, I am all the same plain shit since that day. It was funny how fast things happened and how this damn life could turn things upside down and became totally different from what you have expected. Even how you much persevered, I tell you man, you would end up the same. How could I ever forget those words? “Sus, move on na Rom. You did your best naman!” “He has plans, maybe this one is not for you.” “Come on man! Stop over reacting. It just this simple and that blah blah blah..”
You would never ever fathom my deepest sentiments. No one ever did.
‘Coz you were not the one who always fail your own ‘self’ over and over again.
You were not there spending late and sometimes sleepless nights just to make sure that everything were not just good but the best for your people. You were not in that moment of nearly dying but chose to witness all the stares that could likely burn through your skin and yes, the murmurs that were as loud as the unbearable thoughts of disappointments. Right, you could say “Did we ask you to get in that situation?” Palpably, no but look at me, I am helpless, even how I much I want to escape,
I would not, I could not. I AM IN THIS EVEN IF I DID NOT WANT TO. I AM IN HERE, MISFIRED AND STUCK. I could still hark back to the time of dreaming success not because of being just confident but because I have witnessed every single sweat of efforts and struggles of my people just to chase and taste victory at the end, I thought those were enough. But we were caught, again, by debacles. Awful debacles.
Inexplicably, Life for me was a catastrophe. It always turned out different, odd and unfavorable.